Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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