Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
