Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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