meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
