I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
