I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
