They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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