This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
