ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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