The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
