I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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