hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
