I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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