do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
