Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
