Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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