apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
