I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
