Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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