The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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