I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
