Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
