Porn is love you can see.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
