wat bout pragnant strippers??
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
