I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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