Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
