I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
