So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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