He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
