I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
