Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize