First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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