I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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