I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
