Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
