I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize