The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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