I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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