Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
