I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
A+ Viking dick
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
