i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
