Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
