It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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