And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
