dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
