Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
