i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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