Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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