Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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