I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
