there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
