Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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