What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
