I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
