Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
