So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
