I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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