Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
