Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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