We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
