Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know her cup size but not her name....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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