I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
