this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize