I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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