sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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