you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
