i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
